I don’t know the relevance of the song, but it’s running through my head as well. I honestly don’t know here this post is going to go, but I feel like I need to try and get it out. So please, bear with me through what is near-invariably going to be an incoherent post that last any semblance of cohesion.
So, I was thinking (see: overthinking) as I was driving tonight. And this once, it seems like maybe my more in-depth approach to scrutinizing the world may have actually been beneficial. At least, I hope it was. But my thoughts were surrounding and dissecting depression.
Depression is something that I have been fighting on and off for as long as I can remember, and it always seems like when I feel as thought I’ve beaten it, it comes back for another round; and almost always stronger than before. To be candid, I’ve been battling with it pretty heavily the last year or so, and it seems to be ramping up now. But the thoughts about it that I had tonight seemed to strike a pretty personal and meaningful resonance with me. Depression isn’t just some feeling that one might have. It isn’t just sadness. It isn’t just lethargy. It isn’t just feelings of worthlessness or undesirability. It isn’t just a lack of motivation. It is all of these, and more; it almost becomes a way of life. And it doesn’t just go away.
There are days when I feel almost perfectly content, and am happy and excited for life. And on those days, I start to hope that I have stuffed depression into a deep dark hole, and left it for good. And I love those days. Man do I! But those days are just that: days. There is no switch. There is no process to just turn depression “off”. But I do have those good days. Days where I enjoy life, and whatever I may be doing at the time. On those days, I am social, and try to be a pleasure to have around. I engage in activities with those I am around, and try to have/be fun. But as with all things, those days have their polar opposites. And today, that’s the day I am having.
But today was a little different. Today, I tried. I tried to socialize. I tried to look at the day through a happier tint. I put forth the effort. And because of that, I believe, I was able to review the day through a more objective filter. And while I feel like I may have failed to bring a bit more joy into my own day, it did afford me a realization. While I have known for a LONG time that I am an introvert, I was starting to hope and believe that I was actually an ambivert. My realization today was that notion is simply not true. I am an introvert through and through. And being a depressed introvert is a very bad thing, for me. Being around too many people for too long drains me. And in being drained, I lack the energy and focus necessary to keep my depression at bay.
Like I said, I don’t really know where this post is going. I guess, to really break it down to its intent and meaning is simply this: I live with depression. I will have my good days, but mostly bad days. And while I struggle with that, I know that you all are struggling with me. And all I can ask is this: please bear with me. I know it’s getting old. Believe me, I know. It’s getting old to me, too. Please enjoy the good days with me, but also please understand that I don’t even know what I need for those bad days.