It’s been awhile since I last post here. Losing a year’s worth of entries really hit me hard. But here I am, back at it.
Something else I am back at is depression. This last week has hit me really hard. Between not working for almost three weeks now, grandma moving in due to dementia, feeling like a burden on my parents, and now having to come up with over $13,000 just to stay in school… I am not in a good place. I thought I was going okay, but it hit me like a sack of gold bricks. I can pinpoint it near exactly as well. I was hanging out with Ben and Jenée playing D3:RoS, and my momentum just dropped. Suddenly I didn’t care what I was doing, because I realized just how screwed I was. I went through the motions, as it helped cut the pain a bit, but it was still in the forefront the whole time.
Financially. Emotionally. Educationally. Mentally. I’m done. I don’t know where to go, or how to pull myself up and out of it.
I started talking to a girl via PoF, and that was a big confidence boost for me. And perhaps I am simply sabotaging myself or catastrophizing, but I don’t feel it going anywhere now for some reason. I came to a realization last night though: I am an initiator. In, easily, 96% of my societal interactions (be it friends, family, or otherwise), I am the initiator. And I feel like that may be why I believe I need those attachments and interactions. I mean, I know I need them; I feed off of their energy. But I am just getting so tired of it… There are points where I feel like I am the only one working to actively maintain most of these relationships, and I think I’m coming to a breaking point. It may mean losing a lot of the substance of most of them, but I need to step back; I need to stop. I went 7 years in a relationship where I feel like I was the main initiator, and I don’t want to live that way anymore. I want to feel like these are two way streets where both parties contribute more than 30% of the effort. I mean, I have relationships where I will continue simply because I value and cherish them that much, and I understand that we are each living our own lives with their own sets of chronological demands. But I am done with the frivolous and half-hearted attempts of everyone else. As hard as it will be for me, I am going to step back from this point forward.
And that’s another thing… Text-based relationships are done for me. That was something else my marriage consisted far too much of, and it hurts me. I need the face time. I need the physical interactions. If those don’t happen, I am willing to let the relationships fade away; i simply cannot take it anymore. I know that I am going to go mad from stopping myself, but I need to do it.
And with that, I need to sleep. There are still a billion and ten things on my mind, but I cannot seem to gather their cohesion enough to place them to text
Adieu.